Pope Appoints His Secret Son as New Pope

         In a surprise move today, Pope Benedict XVI has announced his plans to resign from his role as head of the papacy. He does this in order to retain his principle from his time as a Bishop that all Popes should resign before their health begins to fail. This has set a new precedent in Popery. A Pope has not resigned from the Iron Throne since 1414, and that was due to the Western Schism in which two Popes reigned from two different seats of alternating bands of gold, iron, and the blood of Jewish babes. The Pope and Anti-Pope lines of succession had been contending for followers in Europe for one hundred years, and the Schism ended with the resignation of Antipope John XXIII of Avignon, returning the voice of God to Rome once and for all*. The main reason cited for John XXIII’s cowardly resignation is the fact that he had a weak stomach, and had recently come into too close of contact with Pope Gregory XII. As we all know, if a Pope and Antipope ever were to touch, they would annihilate into a cloud of energy, much like quarks and anti-quarks.

The Face of Diabetes, oh wait,
I mean the Voice of God.

            The shocking announcement came with the unveiling of further surprises in Rome today; Pope Benedict had fathered a child in Poland during the glorious Warsaw Spring of 1973, when the Acid flowed like wine that had been likened to flowing like water. Also they had a relatively temperate summer, weatherly speaking. This progeny from the Holy Loins, Kevin Truman-Ratzinger, became a blues musician of moderate fame in his home town of Warsaw, regardless that he played exclusively covers of Mississippi John Hurt songs and never recorded a single original piece. Along with the revelation of this Holy Offspring comes the news that Pope Benedict XVI has issued an executive Popal Order decreeing the era of democratically elected Popes to be at an end. Even further shocking news is that Kevin Truman-Ratzinger has been appointed the new Pope by his father.

            “I’m excited,” said Kevin as he played a Johnny Cash song air-guitar style, “I mean, I get to be the fucking Pope!” The Council of Bishops normally imbued with the power to choose the Pope issued a statement in regards to the affair, which is being referred to as PopeGate; “This is fucking bullshit,” said the Bishops.

            No plans have been announced for Benedicts remaining years, but he is expected to finally go through that middle-age crisis he had been putting off for 40 years. “I might buy a Mercedes,” said that now former Pope, “that or a Mustang. Who knows? Gosh this is exciting.” Furthermore, he is expected to roam the Italian countryside wielding a pair of scissors, search for people using condoms during intercourse, and summarily snip their wieners off.

*Everything up to this point in the article besides references to the “Iron Throne”, and Gold, Iron, and the blood of Jewish babes is totally, 100 percent accurate. Popes and Anti-popes are a real thing that have existed, and yes, they really were referred to as Anti-popes. For more information, look into the “Western Schism,” and see that I am totally right about this.

35 Year Old Promises to “Get Into New Music This Year”

             Local man Jim Naybors, who is not and shares no relation to the popular actor famous for portraying Gomer Pyle on the hit Andy Griffith Show, released a press statement declaring his intention to “totally get into newer music this year.” The arbiter of sound could not be reached for comment, but the council of noise issued an endorsement of the 35-year-old’s intentions.

Bon Iver, a musician who makes
music that people listen to and enjoy, but
mostly younger people because it's new music
that is made for people who listen to newer music,
which is mostly young people, because it's the
music that appeals to them, mostly.

            “I like music,” said Naybors, “and new music is still music. There are things to be said for all music and all genres. I think if you ignore newer genres you are ignoring an important part of life.” Naybors has started holding auditions for what he calls his “window into the world of new music.” The auditions consist of Naybors, sitting alone in his wood paneled study by his infinitely-burning fire place, listening to newer albums he downloaded illegally using torrents from The Pirate Bay on his Sony MDR-7506 Professional headphones. Using a round robin approach, Naybors has narrowed the search down. Currently, Mumford and Sons seem to be the frontrunners, but Bon Iver is giving them a run for the money. When reached for comment, the bands stated that Naybor’s project was “enlightening” and “respectable,” but still “fucking pointless.”

            “Old people don’t get it,” said one of the long haired youthful members of the band Fun.. (double period forced upon me by Funs.’s fantastic and groundbreaking choice to end their band name with a period.) “They never have and never will. I mean, if old people could get into new music, it wouldn’t be called new music, would it?”

            Naybors responded to Fun.’s verbal smack down by saying that his attempts to “get down” have nothing to do with his age, and that mentally, he remains a fourteen year old.

            “He’s right,” said Tammy Naybors, Jim’s ex-wife of fourteen years, “he is still a child. He hasn’t paid child support in over three years. He told me it’s because ’14-year-olds don’t have children. I still can’t believe he won that court case.”

            “Music is for everyone,” said Naybors, “and I like it. So I’m going to listen to it. Because it’s fun. And I like it.” Naybors also announced his intention to write a book based on his pet project, simply titled My Music is The Music That I Like, with the subheading Fuck You Tammy, You’re One Cold Hearted Bitch.

Boat Island Famished by Boat Shortage

          Boat Island, the locale made famous by the History Channel’s All About Boats, Bravo’s Boats Boats and More Boats, and Turner Classic Movies’ God Damn That’s A Lot of Fucking Boats, Motherfucker has been hit with its worst crisis since its inception in the final days of the Civil War. A mysterious and devastating shortage of boats has hit the island. Scientists have yet to determine when the shortage began, but most reports indicate early May of 2012 as being the starting point of the island’s decline.

Boat Island's Projected Appearance
in the Summer of 2016 (God Willing it Will
Return to Its Former Glory)

            It was then that boats started to disappear from boat island, and island which, as we all know, consists entirely of boats. When General Robert E. Lee saw his cause was at a loss, he decided to form a new civilization just off the coast of his native Virginia. Founded with a simple row boat and a wish, boat island has been home to many famous denizens, such as Tom Alison from Good Morning Iowa and, of course, the famous General Lee himself, who tragically died of starvation thirty days following his founding of the island.

            Boat Island has been a national treasure for over a century now, and its slow decline in boat-havingness has caused public outrage. President Obama released a statement, which we have reproduced to the best of our abilities below (the president speaks very quickly, and it’s hard to type when your lamenting the loss of a national treasure):

            “This nation is infinitely diminished by the tragedy on Boat Island, and we are doing all we can to combat this catastrophe. We have sent a diplomatic team of schooners to plead with boats that have been mysteriously departing from their former home on Boat Island. We pray them a swift journey.”

            Most of the boats that have left boat island are now drifting south to the Gulf of Mexico. Reports indicate that once they have reached the gulf, they will begin the bartering process with a small seaport (TBD) on the eastern coast of Mexico. We do not, as of this moment, know their demands, nor have we ascertained the reason for leaving their historic homeland, but it is essential that we, as a nation, remain unified during this unbelievable calamity.

            With any luck, we will be able to resuscitate Boat Island, but we must – as a Nation – accept the possibility that this is the end of our national icon, on which many first boats were abandoned, many first kisses were had, and many marriages proposed. If it be so, we shall be forced to forge ahead and re-forge our national identity, an identity that must not accommodate boats in any way, shape or form. I hereby nominate Eagle Mountain, the mountain made entirely of the corpses of slain eagles, as the new national treasure. Polls for alternative suggestions will follow shortly. Stay tuned for updates.

In Surprise Announcement, Movie 43 Wins Every Academy Award

            Despite the award ceremony being scheduled for the 24^th of next month, the prestigious Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences decided to announce the winner a month early. Movie 43, the new joint effort by the Farrelly Brothers, Brett Ratner, and a multitude of other contemporary auteurs, has won every award.

COMEDY!

            “It was really a no brainer,” said Malcolm McMackleby, the leader of the shadowy cabal of philosophy professors from Oxbridge who, each January, decide the best movies of the year. Of their judgment, there can be no question; they are correct. The world decided long ago, in the primordial pool of molten organic matter from which Ernst Lubitsch sprang, that their opinions are the right opinions. “Movie 43 has got it all,” said the esteemed decider, “it’s got fun, it’s got laughs, and most of all, it’s got titties. Oh,” he added, “and it’s totally got a midget. But not like, a real midget. That would be gross as fuck. It’s that ripped-ass guy from 300, Gerald Something, playing a midget. So that’s another thing it’s got – kickass special effects.”

            The movie so blew away the Academy that they were forced to break their own rules and announce their decision before the ceremony began. The traditional yearly televised award show will go on as planned, it will simply be far less exciting than usual (or, depending on your perspective, pretty much exactly as exciting as usual). “We would have cancelled the ceremony,” explained Academy Deputy Director Professor Brightman, who teaches Hegelian Philosophy at Oxford, “otherwise the Nightmare Boars would escape from the Ebony Realm.” Movie trivia fans will already know that the academy award ceremony doubles as the film industry’s dusky sacrificial rite to the Gods of Myhr, the ancient watchers of capitalistic individualism, swallowers of potential artistic innovation and original perspectives. “If you had studied any Hegel,” continued the Professor, “you would understand that we can reduce reality to a more synthetic unity, but only if reality exists in a similar way to the way in which we perceive it. We must perform the asbestos sacrament, or else our perception of reality will be ripped in twain.” The Professor giggled softly to himself, “Twain is a funny word. You ever think about that? Twain.”

            Movie 43 was released last weekend, and you can see it in almost any movie theater across the nation. None of our staff members have seen it, but we have reason to believe that it in some way involves Gerard Butler and Halle Berry continuing to be terrible actors, Emma Stone forgetting that she has comedic abilities, Brett Ratner continuing his descent into coke-fueled madness, and Stephen Merchant disgracing himself. Come on, Stephen. You’re better than this.

Note: This article was written with little to no knowledge of Movie 43, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, or Hegelian Philosophy. I'm really more of a Russell guy.

South African Parliament Spontaneously Breaks Out Into Song

In yet another case this week of life imitating art, the Parliament of the Republic of South Africa burst into a rendition of Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl”, using an arrangement of the composition made famous by the television program Glee, also known for its tendency to spontaneously break out into a musical interlude.

Sisulu and Glee's Chris Colfer, Invited
to South Africa to Chair a Committee on
"Boogeying Down"

            The Parliament, currently run by the majority party the African National Congress (ANC), announced Saturday night that due to low visibility and the Parliament’s predisposition to get lost in the shuffle of international politics, the governing body would recreate a popular moment from American television bi-weekly in order to drive up Nielson Family ratings and bring in the coveted 18-49 demographic. The announcement came in tandem with the revelation that the 25^th South African Parliament had bought a controlling stake in NBC for pennies on the dollar of its blue book value, a move that was hailed as “business savvy” and “inventive” by the Parliament itself.

            Speaker of the National Assembly Max Sisulu stated that the two revelations were “similar but unrelated,” and that the politicians would have “totally been singing that song anyway. It had been on the agenda for months.”

            The move is one of a long list that analysts suppose is indicative of South Africa’s intent to be the “Global Capital of Whimsy.”