As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he
found himself transformed into a gigantic insect. President Barack Obama did
not awake one morning to find himself inhabiting the body of a giant insect, but
instead he awoke to find himself wishing he had.
Obama
announced to the world that he had been hiding his true identity from the world
for years: “I am a trans-species male, and I’m sick and tired of not acting
like it.” Wikipedia.org defines “trans-species” as not being an actual thing
that exists, as the website contains no entry on the subject. A Tumblr account
operated by XOXOMrsKittyX0X0YOLO (pen name) defines it as being “the feeling
that you are another species, be it wolf, moth, or sexy cheetah woman, trapped
inside of a homo sapiens body. The community defines themselves with the inclusive
term Otherkin.”
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| President Obama Last Week, Seen in a Middle Stage of His Insectoid Rebirth |
Widespread confusion followed
Monday morning’s press conference. Major newscasters scrambled to find an
adequate definition of the word “trans-species” from a more reliable source.
Major points of contention rested upon whether or not plants were included, if
the hyphen was really necessary, and if the two halves of the word couldn’t
just share a single “S” instead of getting greedy and each having their own. It
was decided by CNBC at 2:45 PM that the definition the media would run with is
as follows: “If he wants to fuck bugs, then let him.”
“This is huge news for us,” said
BadgerBearMan883388, a trans-species activist reached for comment through his
twitter page, “we’ve never had one of our own in power before.”
While most Otherkin spend their
days filling Deviant Art pages with illustrations of their psychotic fusion of
beast with man in order to alleviate the mental anguish of living in a body other
than your own, the President was able to overcome his troubles through top
grade military technology. An unknown machine is being credited for sparking
the process that caused the most powerful man in the world to retreat into a
mucous lined cocoon for the rest of the week. No word has been released on
whether this technology will be released to the general public, but all signs
point to is remaining a closely guarded governmental secret.
Vice President Joe Biden was
reached for comment, but remained guarded. “Whatever the President does with
his personal life and/or endoskeleton is none of my business, and should remain
a private matter.” Anonymous tips have led us to believe that Biden has a long
standing personal issue with those identifying as trans-species, stemming
mainly from his son’s public de-closeting last July as a “Moon-Fawn.” Biden
reportedly referred to Obama’s new identity as stemming from “getting fucked up
and watching The Fly one too many
times.” Otherkin activists remain on watch, talons perched on their hawk mounts
or sniffing for clues using their imaginary dog noses, for prejudiced remarks
from Biden.
Now that the transformation has
been completed, the President has been wary to comment on the subject. “Let’s
not get obsessed with my personal life, and instead focus on stimulating the
economy and creating new jobs,” said the President, as he scratched his moth
wings with his newly boneless leg.
