35 Year Old Promises to “Get Into New Music This Year”

             Local man Jim Naybors, who is not and shares no relation to the popular actor famous for portraying Gomer Pyle on the hit Andy Griffith Show, released a press statement declaring his intention to “totally get into newer music this year.” The arbiter of sound could not be reached for comment, but the council of noise issued an endorsement of the 35-year-old’s intentions.

Bon Iver, a musician who makes
music that people listen to and enjoy, but
mostly younger people because it's new music
that is made for people who listen to newer music,
which is mostly young people, because it's the
music that appeals to them, mostly.

            “I like music,” said Naybors, “and new music is still music. There are things to be said for all music and all genres. I think if you ignore newer genres you are ignoring an important part of life.” Naybors has started holding auditions for what he calls his “window into the world of new music.” The auditions consist of Naybors, sitting alone in his wood paneled study by his infinitely-burning fire place, listening to newer albums he downloaded illegally using torrents from The Pirate Bay on his Sony MDR-7506 Professional headphones. Using a round robin approach, Naybors has narrowed the search down. Currently, Mumford and Sons seem to be the frontrunners, but Bon Iver is giving them a run for the money. When reached for comment, the bands stated that Naybor’s project was “enlightening” and “respectable,” but still “fucking pointless.”

            “Old people don’t get it,” said one of the long haired youthful members of the band Fun.. (double period forced upon me by Funs.’s fantastic and groundbreaking choice to end their band name with a period.) “They never have and never will. I mean, if old people could get into new music, it wouldn’t be called new music, would it?”

            Naybors responded to Fun.’s verbal smack down by saying that his attempts to “get down” have nothing to do with his age, and that mentally, he remains a fourteen year old.

            “He’s right,” said Tammy Naybors, Jim’s ex-wife of fourteen years, “he is still a child. He hasn’t paid child support in over three years. He told me it’s because ’14-year-olds don’t have children. I still can’t believe he won that court case.”

            “Music is for everyone,” said Naybors, “and I like it. So I’m going to listen to it. Because it’s fun. And I like it.” Naybors also announced his intention to write a book based on his pet project, simply titled My Music is The Music That I Like, with the subheading Fuck You Tammy, You’re One Cold Hearted Bitch.