The office of 61st Speaker of the United States
House of Representatives John Boehner released a press notice early this
morning, simply stating that “John Boehner is not gay.”
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| Boehner's Facebook Profile, As It Now Reads |
The
declaration came after controversy arose surrounding the Republican speaker’s Facebook
profile. The thousands of people who follow, or “liked”, Boehner’s page woke up
yesterday to find a message from their hero on their Facebook feed, reading “John
Boehner is no longer interested in women.” The Washington Post sat down with Boehner
in order to give him the opportunity to explain himself.
“When I
first signed up for Facebook,” said Boehner, referring to the popular social
networking site that for years has been forced into a sparring match with
similar site Friendster for subscribers, “I set my interested in section to
women, so that everyone knew I was interested in women, and everyone knew that
I’m totally not gay. But as the years dragged on I realized that most people
don’t even fill out their interested in section! Putting ‘women’ into that
little field is the internet equivalent of somebody, apropos of nothing, stopping
you on the street and yelling in your face that they totally like titties, and
ain’t interested in no dicks. So I came to the conclusion that it had to be
removed. But therein lies the problem. If I leave it, everyone will think I’m
gay, but if I remove it, everyone will think I’m gay,” Boehner explained, while
sweating profusely, “and I’m totally not gay at all.”
“Oh, he’s
totally gay,” reported Michael Schmidt of the New York Times, “why else would we
get that message? It was fairly clear. John Boehner is no longer interested in
women. It couldn’t get more clear! Either he was always gay, or recently became
gay through some process of self-discovery. Or a magic potion. We can’t rule
out the possibility that a magic potion is involved.”
The
corporate entity that is Facebook has also released a comment on the day’s
events, stating simply that Boehner’s sexuality is not a matter for public
discourse, and is instead a private matter between a man, his family, and a
multinational social networking corporation.
