Pope Appoints His Secret Son as New Pope

         In a surprise move today, Pope Benedict XVI has announced his plans to resign from his role as head of the papacy. He does this in order to retain his principle from his time as a Bishop that all Popes should resign before their health begins to fail. This has set a new precedent in Popery. A Pope has not resigned from the Iron Throne since 1414, and that was due to the Western Schism in which two Popes reigned from two different seats of alternating bands of gold, iron, and the blood of Jewish babes. The Pope and Anti-Pope lines of succession had been contending for followers in Europe for one hundred years, and the Schism ended with the resignation of Antipope John XXIII of Avignon, returning the voice of God to Rome once and for all*. The main reason cited for John XXIII’s cowardly resignation is the fact that he had a weak stomach, and had recently come into too close of contact with Pope Gregory XII. As we all know, if a Pope and Antipope ever were to touch, they would annihilate into a cloud of energy, much like quarks and anti-quarks.

The Face of Diabetes, oh wait,
I mean the Voice of God.

            The shocking announcement came with the unveiling of further surprises in Rome today; Pope Benedict had fathered a child in Poland during the glorious Warsaw Spring of 1973, when the Acid flowed like wine that had been likened to flowing like water. Also they had a relatively temperate summer, weatherly speaking. This progeny from the Holy Loins, Kevin Truman-Ratzinger, became a blues musician of moderate fame in his home town of Warsaw, regardless that he played exclusively covers of Mississippi John Hurt songs and never recorded a single original piece. Along with the revelation of this Holy Offspring comes the news that Pope Benedict XVI has issued an executive Popal Order decreeing the era of democratically elected Popes to be at an end. Even further shocking news is that Kevin Truman-Ratzinger has been appointed the new Pope by his father.

            “I’m excited,” said Kevin as he played a Johnny Cash song air-guitar style, “I mean, I get to be the fucking Pope!” The Council of Bishops normally imbued with the power to choose the Pope issued a statement in regards to the affair, which is being referred to as PopeGate; “This is fucking bullshit,” said the Bishops.

            No plans have been announced for Benedicts remaining years, but he is expected to finally go through that middle-age crisis he had been putting off for 40 years. “I might buy a Mercedes,” said that now former Pope, “that or a Mustang. Who knows? Gosh this is exciting.” Furthermore, he is expected to roam the Italian countryside wielding a pair of scissors, search for people using condoms during intercourse, and summarily snip their wieners off.

*Everything up to this point in the article besides references to the “Iron Throne”, and Gold, Iron, and the blood of Jewish babes is totally, 100 percent accurate. Popes and Anti-popes are a real thing that have existed, and yes, they really were referred to as Anti-popes. For more information, look into the “Western Schism,” and see that I am totally right about this.