In Surprise Announcement, Movie 43 Wins Every Academy Award

            Despite the award ceremony being scheduled for the 24^th of next month, the prestigious Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences decided to announce the winner a month early. Movie 43, the new joint effort by the Farrelly Brothers, Brett Ratner, and a multitude of other contemporary auteurs, has won every award.

COMEDY!

            “It was really a no brainer,” said Malcolm McMackleby, the leader of the shadowy cabal of philosophy professors from Oxbridge who, each January, decide the best movies of the year. Of their judgment, there can be no question; they are correct. The world decided long ago, in the primordial pool of molten organic matter from which Ernst Lubitsch sprang, that their opinions are the right opinions. “Movie 43 has got it all,” said the esteemed decider, “it’s got fun, it’s got laughs, and most of all, it’s got titties. Oh,” he added, “and it’s totally got a midget. But not like, a real midget. That would be gross as fuck. It’s that ripped-ass guy from 300, Gerald Something, playing a midget. So that’s another thing it’s got – kickass special effects.”

            The movie so blew away the Academy that they were forced to break their own rules and announce their decision before the ceremony began. The traditional yearly televised award show will go on as planned, it will simply be far less exciting than usual (or, depending on your perspective, pretty much exactly as exciting as usual). “We would have cancelled the ceremony,” explained Academy Deputy Director Professor Brightman, who teaches Hegelian Philosophy at Oxford, “otherwise the Nightmare Boars would escape from the Ebony Realm.” Movie trivia fans will already know that the academy award ceremony doubles as the film industry’s dusky sacrificial rite to the Gods of Myhr, the ancient watchers of capitalistic individualism, swallowers of potential artistic innovation and original perspectives. “If you had studied any Hegel,” continued the Professor, “you would understand that we can reduce reality to a more synthetic unity, but only if reality exists in a similar way to the way in which we perceive it. We must perform the asbestos sacrament, or else our perception of reality will be ripped in twain.” The Professor giggled softly to himself, “Twain is a funny word. You ever think about that? Twain.”

            Movie 43 was released last weekend, and you can see it in almost any movie theater across the nation. None of our staff members have seen it, but we have reason to believe that it in some way involves Gerard Butler and Halle Berry continuing to be terrible actors, Emma Stone forgetting that she has comedic abilities, Brett Ratner continuing his descent into coke-fueled madness, and Stephen Merchant disgracing himself. Come on, Stephen. You’re better than this.

Note: This article was written with little to no knowledge of Movie 43, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, or Hegelian Philosophy. I'm really more of a Russell guy.