John Boehner’s Sexual Preferences Questioned After Updating Facebook “Interested In” Section

The office of 61^st Speaker of the United States House of Representatives John Boehner released a press notice early this morning, simply stating that “John Boehner is not gay.”

Boehner's Facebook Profile,
As It Now Reads

            The declaration came after controversy arose surrounding the Republican speaker’s Facebook profile. The thousands of people who follow, or “liked”, Boehner’s page woke up yesterday to find a message from their hero on their Facebook feed, reading “John Boehner is no longer interested in women.” The Washington Post sat down with Boehner in order to give him the opportunity to explain himself.

            “When I first signed up for Facebook,” said Boehner, referring to the popular social networking site that for years has been forced into a sparring match with similar site Friendster for subscribers, “I set my interested in section to women, so that everyone knew I was interested in women, and everyone knew that I’m totally not gay. But as the years dragged on I realized that most people don’t even fill out their interested in section! Putting ‘women’ into that little field is the internet equivalent of somebody, apropos of nothing, stopping you on the street and yelling in your face that they totally like titties, and ain’t interested in no dicks. So I came to the conclusion that it had to be removed. But therein lies the problem. If I leave it, everyone will think I’m gay, but if I remove it, everyone will think I’m gay,” Boehner explained, while sweating profusely, “and I’m totally not gay at all.”

            “Oh, he’s totally gay,” reported Michael Schmidt of the New York Times, “why else would we get that message? It was fairly clear. John Boehner is no longer interested in women. It couldn’t get more clear! Either he was always gay, or recently became gay through some process of self-discovery. Or a magic potion. We can’t rule out the possibility that a magic potion is involved.”

            The corporate entity that is Facebook has also released a comment on the day’s events, stating simply that Boehner’s sexuality is not a matter for public discourse, and is instead a private matter between a man, his family, and a multinational social networking corporation.

Senate Stalled Following Ill-Mannered Verbal Fracas, All Reportedly Not So Tickety-Boo

            Hot on the heals of the National gun control debate, the US senate had sequestered itself in an attempt to solve the issue. Unfortunately, we’ve received word that the talks have broken down, casting the senate into an ever rising tide of oral obstinacy and insult-slinging.

Rand Paul (R, Kentucky) and his
Ever-Present Valet, Reginald Jeeves

            “Ballyhoo,” said Senator Richard Shelby (R, Alabama), “this all stinks to high heavens.” Shelby’s comment came as a response to the thirty-six minute filibustering speech given by New Jersey’s Democratic Senator, Frank Lautenberg, the longest in recent memory. Early reports indicated that this would indeed become a famous speech, but pundits are now more cautious, citing the 1994 Ted Kennedy “I need a coffee” speech as an example of supposedly to-be-famous speeches that went nowhere. However, we are proud to print a transcription of the first minute or so of the speech, and allow our readers to be their own judges.

            “Ahoy-hoy. I’m spiffed, and I don’t care who knows it,” said Lautenberg, opening his now possibly infamous speech, “We’re all in the soup now, because the eggheads at this clambake can’t seem to come to a bi-partisan solution. Our allottery in these trying times don’t leave room for any of this japery and obfuscating wordery. You all need a kick in the pants.”

            Ohio’s dual party two-man team, Senators Sherrod Brown (D) and Rob Portman (R), responded in their typical fashion of reading prepared remarks simultaneously in opposite corners of the room in order to create a stereo effect for the press. “We think that Lautenberg has gone off his cob,” they said, “He’s stretchin’ a barmy yarn, and don’t that just beat all.”

            Vice President Joe Biden released a brief report on the day’s business, simply reading “The Vice President feels jilted with a great suddenness.”

            The senate opened that day with an optimism and open-mindedness not seen in the American Congress since the days of Ole Kentucky Tom, Senator of Tennessee from 1899-1908. Kentucky Tom was famous in his day for his charismatic leadership and ability to calm his fellow Senators down and conduct business, as well as his home’s famously breezy décor. Vermont’s Patrick Leahy (D) lamented the loss of the man, who could prove useful in trying days such as these: “If we had even a pinch of his magistracy, we wouldn’t be in such a stitch.” The bright morning soon took a turn for the tense, as the Senate settled in to a frank discussion of racial policy. “Things were going quite alright until the dastards entered into an ethnic symposium. It was dashing frightful,” said Leahy.

            “Pshaw,” came the fiery response from noted hothead, Senator Rand Paul (R, Kentucky), “they're a bunch of pithy old poltroons. They sit away the morn arguing over the happy cabbage, taking breaks only for sartorial and lavatorial matters. Bully on them, I say, bully on them all.”

            Talks are expected to resume sometime in the next few days, once the puerile rabble-rousing has blown over and the Senators decide to bury the old marmalade over a cup of Twining’s finest. 

Blogger Misses Self Imposed Deadline

            Unfortunately for readers of the blog “Know Your Destiny”, there will be no update for today, Thursday, January 10^th, 2013. When reached for comment, the site’s administrator/editor/head writer stated that he just “wasn’t feelin’ it today.”

The Blog's Logo, Rendered
in Creamy Helvetica

            “I’ll get back to it tomorrow,” said the anonymous blogger who posts his daily musings under the pseudonym Shark_Attack69, “it’s not like anyone reads it anyway.” This runs contrary to the blog statistics provided to the administrator by Google’s Blogger application, which estimates KnowYourDestiny.blogspot.com’s daily readership to be two and a quarter people.

            The scandal is compounded by the fact that today’s post would have been only the third in the “daily” blog’s history. Exploding onto the blog scene late Tuesday night with the post “Lobster Rolls Were Good, I Highly Recommend That Restaurant,” the expectations for the sophomore post from the brash young blog were higher than the blogger himself while enjoying those fabled lobster rolls from Szechuan Cookhouse on 48^th street, New York City. According to commenter “JKLOLOLOLOL”, Shark_Attack69  more than met those expectations with Wednesday night’s post, “Don’t Tell Me What I Am, Mom.”

            The blog’s content is guided by an overarching principle, devised by the blogger during lunch on Tuesday following a relaxing walk. The site is dedicated to providing reliable and unbiased news regarding the blogger’s life, and to “show it how it really is,” as it is put on the blog’s about page. Word that Thursday’s post would be delayed until Friday was leaked through Shark Attack’s twitter page, which followed the announcement with a tweet demanding that “everyone just leave [him] alone for awhile.”

            “Maybe I’ll write a short one,” the blogger told us, “just to please the fans.” 

Art School Alumni Deconstructing Music as a Whole

         Jeff Talbot, 24, is set to rock the music world to its very foundation, until it’s left a huddling, slowly vibrating mass of unimaginative resentment. In February of 2013, Talbot will release his “Aria of Deconstruction”, a “comment on the state of music in the post-modern world.”

            Talbot, an arts major stifled with hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt after graduating from a small arts college in May of 2011, found himself in a situation much like any other recent graduate following the 2008 financial crisis. Jobless and destitute, with no marketable skills and a degree that had been reduced to the equivalent worth of a piece of tissue paper rolled covered in gorilla glue and rolled around in some confetti, Talbot needed to find a way to subsist – and he’s done just that.

The New Venture Follows Talbot's
Lucrative Career as a Teen
Model for IStockPhoto.com

            A lifelong love affair with music, or “the aural arts” as he calls them, Talbot discovered that his senior thesis could itself be converted into a thirty minute composition that will change the way the music industry operates and, in the process, net him billions and billions of dollars. “It’s a study in minimalism and deconstruction,” said Talbot, as he Googled the word minimalism, “a Performative criticism encompassing the critical trappings and false starts of post-modern complexity.”

            The project got off to a rough start, said Talbot’s mother Maude, who has been hosting the young artist in her office (formerly his childhood bedroom) for the past two years. “He played the same note over and over for hours,” said Maude, “an E, I think.” These early experiments, Talbot tells us, were not merely the mindless plucking of the E string of a guitar, but instead a cutting parody of Delta Blues musicians.

            Talbot’s Aria began as a collage of every song in his impressive ITunes collection. After importing all 65,000 songs into his copy of Garage Band on his Macbook Pro, Talbot began the arduous process of panning each an every song to specific places between the left and right speaker based on what he terms a “crescendo of prime numbers.” Following the completion of this musical pastiche, the real work could commence. Talbot set about reducing the cacophony of noises he had created into a single note that could then be played over another note, and successively played over more and more notes until the sound was properly reproduced in the form of an aria.

            “At first, it just came out as Aqua Lung by Jethro Tull,” said Talbot, “but I think I’m getting closer now.”

            Once the finishing touches have been put on the project, Talbot will burn it to a CD, bring that CD over to his friend Malcolm’s apartment over his mother’s garage, import into Malcolm’s ITunes and record it playing off of Malcolm’s speakers onto a four track cassette recorder. “It’s a startling work of genius,” said Malcolm as he adjusted his wig, “I can’t wait to hear any of it.”

            The recording will then be duplicated, and the ensuing 500 copies sent to every major and independent music label in the world in order to, as Talbot puts it, “blow there minds. Then the money will come,” he says, “then the money will come.”

Ninth Continent Discovered, Inhabited by Even More Chinese People

            A new landmass discovered in the Pacific Middle West, equidistant from Asia and North America, has been confirmed as the fabled lost ninth continent. The continent, which clocks in at an impressive width of 5000 miles, disappointed the world with the revelation that it contained even more Chinese people.

Eternal High Emperor Huang Xiaodong
and his Reptiloid Growth/Advisor, a Common
Feature of the Baytonian Arisoticracy

            The landmass is presently being called “Michael Baytonia” due to a celebrity fundraising auction held by the White House for children’s cancer. The White House clarified a few hours later that the fundraiser was for combatting children’s cancer rather than spreading it, a clarification resulting in a nation breathing a collective sigh of relief.

            Contact was made with the inhabitants last Wednesday at approximately 3 PM local time. The team of scientists, media engineers and Christian missionaries were shocked to discover the demography of the island is identical to the Shandong Province of China’s mainland, a relatively small area in the North East quadrant of the ancient nation. Much like Shandong, 99% of the inhabitants of Baytonia are Han Chinese and follow the esoteric Chinese-centric form of Buddhism. Initial reports that the landmass was, in fact, China rather than somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been denied by the US government.

            Reports of the continent’s culture have been flooding in, and details are abundant due to the inhabitants’ ancient tradition of meticulously recording their own history, down to the breakfast taken by the High Emperor Huang Xiaodong each and every day. According to the Ultimate Lore Priestess of the Forbidden Sagas (a mid-level government position in their equivalent of a City Hall of Records), Baytonia was initially a province of China that split off the mainland in a cataclysmic event known as the “Great Disturbance”, and subsequently drifted far into the ocean. Following the “Honorable Drift”, the land was cast into a time vortex that took it and all of its inhabitants to the far flung future, wherein they were tasked with keeping the Great Machine That Powers The World afloat in the endless seas of brine. On this topic, the Lore Priestess declined to comment further.

            Political and historical junkies will notice that this story seems almost identical to the recent discovery of the fabled Eighth Continent of the world, Michael Jordanopia, which was also found to contain exclusively Han Chinese people. Reports that the two new players in international politics have declared war upon each other remain unconfirmed.