John Boehner’s Sexual Preferences Questioned After Updating Facebook “Interested In” Section

The office of 61^st Speaker of the United States House of Representatives John Boehner released a press notice early this morning, simply stating that “John Boehner is not gay.”

Boehner's Facebook Profile,
As It Now Reads

            The declaration came after controversy arose surrounding the Republican speaker’s Facebook profile. The thousands of people who follow, or “liked”, Boehner’s page woke up yesterday to find a message from their hero on their Facebook feed, reading “John Boehner is no longer interested in women.” The Washington Post sat down with Boehner in order to give him the opportunity to explain himself.

            “When I first signed up for Facebook,” said Boehner, referring to the popular social networking site that for years has been forced into a sparring match with similar site Friendster for subscribers, “I set my interested in section to women, so that everyone knew I was interested in women, and everyone knew that I’m totally not gay. But as the years dragged on I realized that most people don’t even fill out their interested in section! Putting ‘women’ into that little field is the internet equivalent of somebody, apropos of nothing, stopping you on the street and yelling in your face that they totally like titties, and ain’t interested in no dicks. So I came to the conclusion that it had to be removed. But therein lies the problem. If I leave it, everyone will think I’m gay, but if I remove it, everyone will think I’m gay,” Boehner explained, while sweating profusely, “and I’m totally not gay at all.”

            “Oh, he’s totally gay,” reported Michael Schmidt of the New York Times, “why else would we get that message? It was fairly clear. John Boehner is no longer interested in women. It couldn’t get more clear! Either he was always gay, or recently became gay through some process of self-discovery. Or a magic potion. We can’t rule out the possibility that a magic potion is involved.”

            The corporate entity that is Facebook has also released a comment on the day’s events, stating simply that Boehner’s sexuality is not a matter for public discourse, and is instead a private matter between a man, his family, and a multinational social networking corporation.