Senate Stalled Following Ill-Mannered Verbal Fracas, All Reportedly Not So Tickety-Boo

            Hot on the heals of the National gun control debate, the US senate had sequestered itself in an attempt to solve the issue. Unfortunately, we’ve received word that the talks have broken down, casting the senate into an ever rising tide of oral obstinacy and insult-slinging.

Rand Paul (R, Kentucky) and his
Ever-Present Valet, Reginald Jeeves

            “Ballyhoo,” said Senator Richard Shelby (R, Alabama), “this all stinks to high heavens.” Shelby’s comment came as a response to the thirty-six minute filibustering speech given by New Jersey’s Democratic Senator, Frank Lautenberg, the longest in recent memory. Early reports indicated that this would indeed become a famous speech, but pundits are now more cautious, citing the 1994 Ted Kennedy “I need a coffee” speech as an example of supposedly to-be-famous speeches that went nowhere. However, we are proud to print a transcription of the first minute or so of the speech, and allow our readers to be their own judges.

            “Ahoy-hoy. I’m spiffed, and I don’t care who knows it,” said Lautenberg, opening his now possibly infamous speech, “We’re all in the soup now, because the eggheads at this clambake can’t seem to come to a bi-partisan solution. Our allottery in these trying times don’t leave room for any of this japery and obfuscating wordery. You all need a kick in the pants.”

            Ohio’s dual party two-man team, Senators Sherrod Brown (D) and Rob Portman (R), responded in their typical fashion of reading prepared remarks simultaneously in opposite corners of the room in order to create a stereo effect for the press. “We think that Lautenberg has gone off his cob,” they said, “He’s stretchin’ a barmy yarn, and don’t that just beat all.”

            Vice President Joe Biden released a brief report on the day’s business, simply reading “The Vice President feels jilted with a great suddenness.”

            The senate opened that day with an optimism and open-mindedness not seen in the American Congress since the days of Ole Kentucky Tom, Senator of Tennessee from 1899-1908. Kentucky Tom was famous in his day for his charismatic leadership and ability to calm his fellow Senators down and conduct business, as well as his home’s famously breezy décor. Vermont’s Patrick Leahy (D) lamented the loss of the man, who could prove useful in trying days such as these: “If we had even a pinch of his magistracy, we wouldn’t be in such a stitch.” The bright morning soon took a turn for the tense, as the Senate settled in to a frank discussion of racial policy. “Things were going quite alright until the dastards entered into an ethnic symposium. It was dashing frightful,” said Leahy.

            “Pshaw,” came the fiery response from noted hothead, Senator Rand Paul (R, Kentucky), “they're a bunch of pithy old poltroons. They sit away the morn arguing over the happy cabbage, taking breaks only for sartorial and lavatorial matters. Bully on them, I say, bully on them all.”

            Talks are expected to resume sometime in the next few days, once the puerile rabble-rousing has blown over and the Senators decide to bury the old marmalade over a cup of Twining’s finest.