Local man Jim Naybors, who is not and shares no relation to
the popular actor famous for portraying Gomer Pyle on the hit Andy Griffith Show, released a press
statement declaring his intention to “totally get into newer music this year.”
The arbiter of sound could not be reached for comment, but the council of noise
issued an endorsement of the 35-year-old’s intentions.
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| Bon Iver, a musician who makes music that people listen to and enjoy, but mostly younger people because it's new music that is made for people who listen to newer music, which is mostly young people, because it's the music that appeals to them, mostly. |
“I like
music,” said Naybors, “and new music is still music. There are things to be said
for all music and all genres. I think if you ignore newer genres you are
ignoring an important part of life.” Naybors has started holding auditions for
what he calls his “window into the world of new music.” The auditions consist
of Naybors, sitting alone in his wood paneled study by his infinitely-burning
fire place, listening to newer albums he downloaded illegally using torrents from
The Pirate Bay on his Sony MDR-7506 Professional headphones. Using a round
robin approach, Naybors has narrowed the search down. Currently, Mumford and
Sons seem to be the frontrunners, but Bon Iver is giving them a run for the
money. When reached for comment, the bands stated that Naybor’s project was “enlightening”
and “respectable,” but still “fucking pointless.”
“Old people
don’t get it,” said one of the long haired youthful members of the band Fun.. (double period forced upon me by Funs.’s
fantastic and groundbreaking choice to end their band name with a period.) “They
never have and never will. I mean, if old people could get into new music, it
wouldn’t be called new music, would it?”
Naybors
responded to Fun.’s verbal smack down by saying that his attempts to “get down”
have nothing to do with his age, and that mentally, he remains a fourteen year
old.
“He’s
right,” said Tammy Naybors, Jim’s ex-wife of fourteen years, “he is still a
child. He hasn’t paid child support in over three years. He told me it’s
because ’14-year-olds don’t have children. I still can’t believe he won that
court case.”
“Music is
for everyone,” said Naybors, “and I like it. So I’m going to listen to it.
Because it’s fun. And I like it.” Naybors also announced his intention to write
a book based on his pet project, simply titled My Music is The Music That I Like, with the subheading Fuck You Tammy, You’re One Cold Hearted
Bitch.
