Black Finally Added to List of “Acceptable Ethnicities”

           The Powers That Be (all praise be to them) issued a declaration late last night that the racial genetic grouping of homo sapiens known as Black People, formerly African Americans, formerly Black People, formerly Negroes, etc. have been added to the master list of acceptable ethnicities, and are now allowed to join the ranks of the other socially acceptable races.

In Response, the Character
"Buckwheat" Has Been Digitally
Removed From All Episodes of
"The Little Rascals"

            The list system, set up by the Powers That Be (all praise be to them) at the beginning of recorded history, classifies ethnography based upon whether or not it would be polite for them to mix with the paler races, of whom the Powers That Be (all praise be to them) entirely consist. The lists have come under fire in recent years for being based too much on whim and personal prejudice and not enough on hard science, but the dissent was coldly and rightly squashed by the military death squads.
          Prior to this announcement, the black race mired along on the list of “lurch races”, whose constituent groups of peoples are not quite accepted in proper, societal etiquette at a dinner party, yet are still not cast onto the “shun” or “kill” lists. This put the genomic sub-population into a rather unique position in society, able to move freely and live as they wish, but unable to participate in the many privileges of which the other acceptable ethnicities have grown accustomed.

            For example, the gold supermarkets are open to black people for the first time tomorrow. As we all know, the gold supermarkets are the “actual” grocery stores, in which beef means beef and chicken means chicken. Gold cards are being issued to the people affected by the policy change, and they will soon learn the true meaning of the word flavor.

            “It’s about time,” said John Tillsdale, a black person, “institutionalized pseudo-slavery and control based on the color of my skin was beginning to get on my nerves. Now it’s my turn to inflict the same kind of pain on others,” he said while flogging a Native Brazilian with a riding crop.

            The news also came with a further announcement; the Jupiter colony has been desegregated, and the first black man has been fired into space to join the human race in its many other world settlements. The settlement program, which until this point had been kept a secret from the ethnicity, is now fully open to the phenotype, and white people can stop sniggering when they hear black people talk about space.

            The continent of Africa has radically changed over night as well. With the classification upgrade, the secrets of the first world were imparted to the African nations, who subsequently dropped illiteracy rates by 80%, pre-mature death rates by 90%, and AIDS rates by 100%.

            “I think it’s a travesty,” said Marco Posada, a Mexican political leader whose ethnicity still remains in the ‘gently but effectively institutionalize ridicule’ list, “Where’s our turn?”

In response to Posada’s inquiry, the Powers That Be responded simply by stating that Mexicans should "be patient for once,” before solidifying the decision to keep them on the "short-tempered" list.