Boat Island Famished by Boat Shortage

          Boat Island, the locale made famous by the History Channel’s All About Boats, Bravo’s Boats Boats and More Boats, and Turner Classic Movies’ God Damn That’s A Lot of Fucking Boats, Motherfucker has been hit with its worst crisis since its inception in the final days of the Civil War. A mysterious and devastating shortage of boats has hit the island. Scientists have yet to determine when the shortage began, but most reports indicate early May of 2012 as being the starting point of the island’s decline.

Boat Island's Projected Appearance
in the Summer of 2016 (God Willing it Will
Return to Its Former Glory)

            It was then that boats started to disappear from boat island, and island which, as we all know, consists entirely of boats. When General Robert E. Lee saw his cause was at a loss, he decided to form a new civilization just off the coast of his native Virginia. Founded with a simple row boat and a wish, boat island has been home to many famous denizens, such as Tom Alison from Good Morning Iowa and, of course, the famous General Lee himself, who tragically died of starvation thirty days following his founding of the island.

            Boat Island has been a national treasure for over a century now, and its slow decline in boat-havingness has caused public outrage. President Obama released a statement, which we have reproduced to the best of our abilities below (the president speaks very quickly, and it’s hard to type when your lamenting the loss of a national treasure):

            “This nation is infinitely diminished by the tragedy on Boat Island, and we are doing all we can to combat this catastrophe. We have sent a diplomatic team of schooners to plead with boats that have been mysteriously departing from their former home on Boat Island. We pray them a swift journey.”

            Most of the boats that have left boat island are now drifting south to the Gulf of Mexico. Reports indicate that once they have reached the gulf, they will begin the bartering process with a small seaport (TBD) on the eastern coast of Mexico. We do not, as of this moment, know their demands, nor have we ascertained the reason for leaving their historic homeland, but it is essential that we, as a nation, remain unified during this unbelievable calamity.

            With any luck, we will be able to resuscitate Boat Island, but we must – as a Nation – accept the possibility that this is the end of our national icon, on which many first boats were abandoned, many first kisses were had, and many marriages proposed. If it be so, we shall be forced to forge ahead and re-forge our national identity, an identity that must not accommodate boats in any way, shape or form. I hereby nominate Eagle Mountain, the mountain made entirely of the corpses of slain eagles, as the new national treasure. Polls for alternative suggestions will follow shortly. Stay tuned for updates.