Ninth Continent Discovered, Inhabited by Even More Chinese People

            A new landmass discovered in the Pacific Middle West, equidistant from Asia and North America, has been confirmed as the fabled lost ninth continent. The continent, which clocks in at an impressive width of 5000 miles, disappointed the world with the revelation that it contained even more Chinese people.

Eternal High Emperor Huang Xiaodong
and his Reptiloid Growth/Advisor, a Common
Feature of the Baytonian Arisoticracy

            The landmass is presently being called “Michael Baytonia” due to a celebrity fundraising auction held by the White House for children’s cancer. The White House clarified a few hours later that the fundraiser was for combatting children’s cancer rather than spreading it, a clarification resulting in a nation breathing a collective sigh of relief.

            Contact was made with the inhabitants last Wednesday at approximately 3 PM local time. The team of scientists, media engineers and Christian missionaries were shocked to discover the demography of the island is identical to the Shandong Province of China’s mainland, a relatively small area in the North East quadrant of the ancient nation. Much like Shandong, 99% of the inhabitants of Baytonia are Han Chinese and follow the esoteric Chinese-centric form of Buddhism. Initial reports that the landmass was, in fact, China rather than somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean have been denied by the US government.

            Reports of the continent’s culture have been flooding in, and details are abundant due to the inhabitants’ ancient tradition of meticulously recording their own history, down to the breakfast taken by the High Emperor Huang Xiaodong each and every day. According to the Ultimate Lore Priestess of the Forbidden Sagas (a mid-level government position in their equivalent of a City Hall of Records), Baytonia was initially a province of China that split off the mainland in a cataclysmic event known as the “Great Disturbance”, and subsequently drifted far into the ocean. Following the “Honorable Drift”, the land was cast into a time vortex that took it and all of its inhabitants to the far flung future, wherein they were tasked with keeping the Great Machine That Powers The World afloat in the endless seas of brine. On this topic, the Lore Priestess declined to comment further.

            Political and historical junkies will notice that this story seems almost identical to the recent discovery of the fabled Eighth Continent of the world, Michael Jordanopia, which was also found to contain exclusively Han Chinese people. Reports that the two new players in international politics have declared war upon each other remain unconfirmed.