Negative Response to Honey Boo Boo Halloween Special Shocks Nation

            Last Tuesday’s news sent ripples of despair, disbelief, and disastrous dalliances of despair throughout the world, a world torn asunder, a nation plunged into mourning. Somebody, and it pains us to report on this, does not like Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. According to Manhattan resident Kirk Cummings, the recent Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Halloween special “A Very Boo Halloween” is the “epitome of everything that’s wrong with America.” What a pretentious asshole.

Honey Boo Boo Child Commands the Molten Spires to Ignite
 (Aired September 24, 2012)

            The show burst onto the scene last summer with its hugely popular first episode, in which Honey Boo Boo (real name Stan Wilson) introduced her family to America’s open and willing hearts. The infamous third episode, in which the family dressed as 1973 Ford Pintos and entered a Pinto look-a-like contest in order to win a plate of corndogs, received widespread critical and popular acclaim.

            Cummings, a thirty three year-old Brooklyn College alumni, found the recent special distasteful. “Look,” said the former Media Studies major, “I love Honey Boo Boo just as much as the next guy. But they went too far. They went too far,” he repeated, staring off with the faint glisten of a tear in his eye.

            Among Cumming’s complaints is the timing of the special. “It’s fucking January,” he said, “Halloween was at least a month ago by now.” When informed that Halloween was, in fact, at least three months ago, the currently unemployed actor/musician responded with “oh, I hadn’t noticed.” When asked how the special’s alleged failures reflect the current state of America and its pitfalls, Cummings responded that “it seemed like the right thing to say.”

            Cummings, we are shocked to report, is not the only person to find the special’s content untimely. Following up on the storyline in September’s season finale, Honey Boo Boo completed the black sacrifice that summoned an Eldritch Beast to our plane of existence. The Dark One, who asked to remain anonymous, proceeds to merge his newly corporeal tendrils with the egg sacs that the Honey Boo Boo family had been cultivating since August’s Winter Solstice episode.

            These revelations have been the target of media watchdogs nationwide. “We can’t allow our children to be subjected to this,” said Carol Oats, President of MAHBBSWEAG (Mothers Against Honey Boo Boo and the Summoning of Word Eating Ancient Gods). “There is no way that they could have acquired that many Jade Scorpions in such a short amount of time. It’s unrealistic, and I don’t want my children growing up with unrealistic expectations of the world because of Honey Boo Boo.”

            The show’s producers could not be reached for comment, but their publicity agent assures us that they will be available once the Ebony Altar has completed construction.